I can’t really understand what I’m so upset about. I’m always the one pushing people away, dodging their friendly invitations and pretending I don’t recognize them when we pass by. But now that I’m often alone and no one tries so hard to include me, I feel horrible. I hate the way that I am. I wish I could be one of those “lovable” people – the ones who always make you feel like they really want to get to know you.
I wish I could be outgoing, carefree, funny, and sociable. I wish at times, I could just be someone else. Why does it seem so hard to let myself go? I’m afraid to care too much for others because I’m afraid it’ll hurt if they don’t care for me. So instead, I push them away before they ever have the chance to get too close. It’s stupid though, because I am still hurting. I see friends in class hanging out and discussing plans for weekends. I just turn around and leave right after class. It’s easier to pretend like I don’t want to join – that I’m not curious and lonely and feeling left out.
Johanna has her own life. She’s rarely cared to include me in it. She won’t try to invite me to her outings. I feel envious and bitter. Of course she has no obligation to care for me, but it’s like another stab to see how easy it is for her. I want to have friends whom I can call up, hang out with, and feel easy around. It’s tiring to feel so out of place all the time. I want, for once, to have friends of my own. I feel like so many of the friends we have become mine through default. They were friends with Johanna, so they became my friends. It’s like pity points. Well, I wouldn’t say they all hangout with me due to pity, but would we be friends without Johanna?
I’m not sure what to do. I’m stuck. It’s become a habit for me to turn people away. Is it hopeless? Am I hopeless? I know I need to change, but how? I shouldn’t just sit around and wait for people, but I’ve never learned how to reach out first. A lot of times I want to be left alone, but I never wanted to be always alone. These thoughts keep distracting me. I need to study – my grades have declined fairly steadily. But what can I do? What should I do? Will I always be so unlovable?
